Three Words on Life
Ever since sharing my Green Recovery story last week, I feel as though I have shedded an unwanted layer. This isn’t to say I was hiding my past struggles, merely I was uncertain how to articulate them. Sharing my past has turned out to be extremely therapeutic, and I know that being candid on these topics will be beneficial in the end, despite their heavy nature. If you’re not up to ready about these topics, click here for a happier post
Unrelenting structure and consistency are two things I have depended on in the past to maintain a perceived sense of control in my life. Deviating from the preconceived ‘plan’ would usually lead to discomfort, both physically and emotionally, and was therefore avoided at all costs. Since beginning to listen to myself more closely and responding appropriately, however, this previous structure has been disintegrating. Although liberating, feeling content without following structure is something I’m not really used to. ’Good days’ feel as though I’m high on some sort of drug (not that I would know, really).
Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling like an effective and productive human being; it’s when the days aren’t so good that I get into a wee bit of trouble. The structure I adhered to before was a way I trained myself to avoid negative emotional states. Adhering to a strict regimen meant that I had no excuse to feel ‘bad’, and for the most part I didn’t. What I felt instead was a constant numbness with hardly any joie de vivre. Since I’ve eradicated this safety net, I do occasionally have bad days; case and point, yesterday.
It was one of those days that the little things just keep piling up, and as much as you try to let them go you just can’t. I’ve never been one to want to sleep my worries away, but I’ll admit that I spent a significant amount of time yesterday curled up under my electric blanket (it’s cold in Kingston!) wanting the day to be over. After a tearful phone call to Mom, I finally mustered up enough mental motivation to try and turn my day around.
Thankfully I had a few school-related things to attend to in the afternoon; they were an excellent distraction and got me out of the apartment
and out from under my lovely warm blanket. I went for a really long walk down by the water, and channeled my inner child by climbing on the rocky lake shore. Breathing fresh air was really helpful in distracting from my horrible mood. When I got home, I took a break from school work; instead I sang karaoke at the top of my lungs (sorry neighbours), watched funny YouTube videos (this one almost made me pee), sipped tea, and engaged in a lengthy Pinterest session. As mindless as that all sounds, it made me feel so much better, especially after coming across this quote:
Well said, Mr. Frost. I also remembered that we just had a full moon, which in my experience makes everyone a bit loopy. Now that I have calmed down, I can remind myself that every second is a new chance and that there is no sense living in the past, especially if it involves an irrational meltdown. Reminding myself how fortunate I am is also very humbling; I am so grateful to have family, friends, and a community that is so willing to support me in these difficult instances.
Thanks for sticking with me through this brain-dump! I’ll be back tomorrow with a happier post and a fun snack recipe for you to enjoy!